A cork on the ocean...

• FML?
• I ended up...
• I hate my life!!!
• Shoot me! 
• My life is so awful!
• Why does this always happen to me? 

I am surrounded by people who routinely use these sorts of statements. Sometimes it's a joke, others, I'm not so sure. Here's something to think about, though.We can't control WHAT happens in our life, but we CAN control what we do about it, how we react, the self talk we use and the attitude we have.

It's one thing to rant and get it over with but if your general attitude is that your life sucks, it will never get any better. I say that with all the conviction I have in my soul. Your life will never improve if you continue to say that your life sucks. 


If you have a crappy attitude, and believe that no one is suffering more than you are, why would your life suddenly turn great? Does your life have a mind of its own? Who's the one with the mind here anyway? Are you kidding me that you just ended up that way? You just wound up over there in the ditch like there was some sort of cosmic pool table that you're in the middle of?


It's time for some tough love here.... get over yourself. Stop being a victim. 

I can say that to you because I used to be one of those people. I was addicted to my shitty life. I was addicted to wallowing in the self-pity. I was mired in the sucking mud of victimhood.


Abuse, loss, unrequited love, addiction, illness, false accusations, death of a spouse, children, loved ones... the list could go on. There are people who have suffered through all of the things in this list, plus more. There are people in the world who have endured atrocities that make my soul weep.


Yet, many of the people I know who have suffered more than their share of grief, have the most positive outlook. It makes me feel such shame for EVER believing that my life was so terrible. 


Some say that they have faith or religion and that helped them through their experience. Some say it's just the love they have for their family. Others just have this indomitable glowing spirit and every word they utter is filled with love.


In my own experience, it's about gratitude and mindfulness.


I'm often asked, "How can you be grateful if you feel you have nothing?" Let me be blunt: Everyone has something. You have a mind. You can read. You're reading this, aren't you? You're able to reason, to think, to form an opinion. You must have someone in your life who loves you, right? A mother, father, uncle, sister, neighbor, friend? The garbage man? The clerk at the gas station? The librarian? Someone! 

How can you be grateful if you are struggling? In struggle and adversity, there is light. There is learning and opportunity in every difficult experience. It may not feel that way when you're actually in it, but it's there. Every mistake, every negative experience is simply an opportunity waiting for you to recognize it. 
 Turn your negative crap into positive talk....

Instead of FML, say, "I'm frustrated! But life will work itself all out."

Instead of, "I ended up," use the phrase, "As a result of a youthful indiscretion, I became pregnant or I lost my job..." 

The fact is you didn't END UP anywhere. That implies you are a cork floating on the stormy seas and you're just bobbed around like you have no control over anything. The reality is, whether you like it or not, your situation today is the direct result of choices you made previously. Choice is very powerful. You may have chosen to get in the car with a drunk driver.... and that driver was impaired so he was involved in an accident that cost you your comfort and mobility. You didn't "end up" in this situation. You chose to take a chance and as a direct result of a deliberate choice, you are now in a body cast in the hospital.

Negative talk can make anything in your life seem worse than it truly is.



You can either continue to live your life like a cork on the ocean, bobbed around by the circumstance of existence or you can decide to become a clipper ship, redirect your life, and weather that storm. 


Do you believe that what you put out is what you receive? Would you tolerate hearing this from your children? No? Then why would you ever say this?


And is this really a matter for a spiritual blog? Absolutely... it is my belief that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience. Every person, every human has free will (unless you are severely impaired in some way). We are hard wired with a brain to make decisions and choices. You didn't just fall into your life. You chose it. It might not have been a very informed choice or it may have been imposed upon you when you were young, but when you became an adult you chose to continue in that existence. Choice. Deliberation. Free will. Why would this be separate from spirituality? 

Peace, Love, and Free will.... 

What do you suck at???

This was today's "Burning Question" over at Danielle LaPorte's blog and I thought I'd open up, too. It's tough when you try to be positive and uplifting to be vulnerable and share what you stress about or judge yourself for, but honestly, to learn more about self-acceptance, this is a great exercise. 

I suck at... housework. OH MY GAWD!!! My house is always cluttered, always chaotic. I'm working on this but I judge myself about it a lot. 

I suck at... staying on task. I don't believe I have the formal attention deficit problems that many people really struggle with, so it's not that. It is more that I have so many ideas racing through my head at any one given time that it's tough for me to just stay with one. I do well in small classes because I can keep focused on the teacher or professor and their message, but I don't do well in large lectures or any situation where I'm not required to actually participate or in work settings that aren't flexible with how I actually spend my time. 

I suck at... joining. I get frustrated with formal committees and clubs or organizations that have meetings. I also get frustrated in meetings. They typically are just forums for one or two people to talk about stuff I don't care about. Just make a decision about that and send me an email, thanks. 

I suck at... money management. I admit it, this is a real struggle for me. I've found some tools to help me lately but overall this is a horribly difficult thing for me to do. And I judge myself for it all the time.

I can't believe how hard that was for me to write. I did it, now, and it's out there. So now I can focus on what's right and work on the things I really need to do. 

Peace, Love, and tough questions... 

Angry Romantic on heroism...

Dave describes why he doesn't believe in being a hero:  Always glad to make potted meat product out of sacred cows. The preceding was brought to you by a retired Knight who had a life-changing, anti-romantic epiphany after suffering one too many Rodney King-like beatings at the hands of Reality.

Choices...

If you knew that something worked to solve a problem you had, why wouldn't you try it? Say you have a terrible upset stomach and indigestion and you are suffering. If all it took was a teaspoon of vinegar diluted into an 8 ounce glass of water to fix you within 10 minutes... or suffer for hours with nausea, acid, general feeling of yuck. Why won't you try it? What can it hurt? Even if you dislike the flavor or smell of vinegar, why wouldn't you try it if it could help?

Last night I had terrible indigestion. I had eaten something I thought was healthy, but it did not agree with my body. I joked with my friend that healthy food wasn't good for an old body that was only used to bad food... she told me that if I mixed a teaspoon of cider vinegar into a glass of cool water and drank it, then I'd feel better. I laughed, "Yeah right! No thanks! Yuck!"

If there is a better way why do we resist?

I've heard it all... nothing tastes as good as skinny feels... feed your body and your soul but leave out the processed stuff...

Frankly, I love some processed foods. Keebler Cheese crackers with peanut butter, Ore Ida Tater Tots,  and Reese's Peanut Butter cups will win out every time. But why do we make those choices, even when we know that an organic salad with some cut fruit is a much healthier and maybe even tastier alternative? Is it laziness or possibly just habit? 

I'd like to know what you think...

Unplug to reconnect...

Recently a colleague of mine sent an email about "hanging out" with several pictures attached that were sort of funny, but sad all at the same time. Well, wait a moment. It's VERY sad, now that I've reconsidered that statement. Technology is supposed to be used for our convenience, your phone is for YOUR use, not for everyone in the world to reach you when they wish. Of course, if someone has children, they would like to be available for their children, absolutely... that's certainly an exception and that's not what I'm referring to. I mean when you are out to lunch with friends and all you can do is check your phone every 20 seconds to reply "LOL" to a Facebook message, then you may have a problem. 

I have a friend who taught me that the experience of our shared time, our conversation, and excursions together were more important than anything on that phone. Anything. It was a valuable lesson and it made me feel more connected to him. Because of that connection and value we placed on our shared time, I always enjoyed it a great deal more. He listened to me, he heard me, he responded to me. There were no distractions except for whatever was already a part of the experience. So, when we were going to the bookstore, (hey, look at this awesome book!) or the jazz festival at the winery, (hey, we're reading the same book!) or we're in the car heading toward parts unknown, (hey! turn here!). 

I deliberately call it "shared time" because he was not just spending time with me... we were spending time together, focused on the same thing, enjoying an experience, and if he had been so self-important that he couldn't actually participate and be present, then I really would not have wanted to be there.

When kids get together these days and spend all that time on their phones, I wonder how they remember their experience? Did they enjoy their food? Did they ask questions? Did they learn anything? Did they just use it as a "check in" experience where the other kids will see that they went somewhere together?

Whatever their reasons, I will continue to honor those that I care about and choose to spend time with by engaging in the experience fully. I hope you join me in unplugging those relationships and reconnecting with the physical. 

Namaste and have a great weekend! 

Peace, Love, and Low-tech... 

What is Om?

Om.... what does OM mean for real? 

Om or Aum as it's sometimes spelled, is also called the "God syllable."  The symbol stands for the universal, the unknowable, and the source of all manifest in existence. It's much like the yin and yang symbol is in the Asian philosophy, showing both the feminine and masculine, the om shows the unknowable and all that is knowable. 

Om or Aum is of paramount importance in Hinduism and it is called pranava, to mean that it pervades life and runs through our prana or breath.
 
I listen to Wayne Dyer and other spiritual leaders and they routinely discuss meditation as a daily practice for getting in touch with the spiritual part of you. Now this can be sort out there for the straights, I mean, where are we, the Haight Ashbury district in 1963 discussing comparative theology? No, we're not, but I think what I found so interesting about this when Dr. Dyer started to talk about using some relaxing chants to focus, he mentioned that the "AH" sound was present in nearly ever religion's name for God. If you think about it, it's pretty fascinating. Even if you're an atheist, there's some compelling similarities in many of the world's religions and this, this God syllable, was an amazing common thread... it made me wonder why we get caught up in all this crap. We fight so hard to be right and we condemn others as wrong, yet really... how wrong are they? Or conversely, how right could we be? But I digress. 

So then, why "The Omth Degree" ... and aside from it being sort of catchy, the reason I do anything and the purpose that is threaded through all my writing and my life, is because of the universe, because of the power referred to as God, or Brahman, or Allah, or Jehovah, the Force, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster... Whatever that thing is, that's Om. It's the limit and beyond, it's the beginning and before... it's everything. 

More Angry Romantic...

Dave comments on a photo of an abused dog (Dave loves dogs): So glad to see this poor little gal seems to be doing a little better today. Now if they can only catch the monsters that did this so they can be flayed alive, drenched in battery acid and Bhut Jolokia juice, drawn, quartered, incinerated, and their ashes dumped in an open sewer somewhere in the Third World.

Criticism, blame, and the power of accepting responsibility...

When a friend tells you that your behavior was wrong in a particular situation, does it make you take stock? Or are they no longer your friend because they're not on your side?  

In an informal poll (some of my girlfriends) most of us are willing to step back and look at our own behavior. We are willing to take constructive criticism without judgment, and we're still friends with whomever it was that pointed it out. That takes a lot of maturity, self examination, and courage. There are many people I know who are not able to do this, becoming angry and lashing out. 

When I first began this journey, I read a book by Debbie Ford called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers (available here) and the recurring theme seemed to be, "You're human, you screw up, you're not perfect, but getting angry that someone else does this too, is called projecting and it isn't helpful. Grow up, accept your mistakes, and stop blaming and judging others for a life you're unhappy with." See, there... now you don't have to read the book. 

I can tell you that the process of self-acceptance, while a worthy effort, is very difficult. Looking in the mirror and loving yourself even with those personality flaws, is probably the hardest first step there is. It's like standing on the precipice overlooking a gorge or clinging to the ledge on the tall building with a heavy wind current coming at you.... Just try it, look yourself in the eye and say, "I love you" with all the sincerity you can muster. It's pretty hard. 

The thing we all have to accept is that no one cares WHY you screwed up, it's nonsense to explain WHY you made that decision that didn't turn out so well... this is called justifying your behavior. 

You've heard it from all corners, I'm sure. Someone runs into you in the hallway and glares angrily at you, or even tells you that YOU need to move out of the way, that YOU are in the wrong for being in the hallway at that moment and in that space. Sounds crazy, right? But imagine that same idea expanded... it's as irrational as someone blaming the VICTIM in a crime. "Oh if only Sally wasn't wearing that pretty ring, and if only George hadn't been molested as a child, he wouldn't have stolen that from her. Really, it's Sally's fault for wearing that in front of a greedy and dysfunctional man!" 

See how silly and provocative that is? I'm exaggerating to make a point, but I think you understand where I'm going with this. Blame, honestly, is often crazy!  Things happen, but blaming another for an event, for something you do yourself, or for their own criticism of you, is just deflecting and projecting... Blame is just pointing at someone else to deflect any responsibility you may have in the event. 

Try pointing a finger at someone, "YOU did this!" and look at your hand. One finger is pointing at the accused, but three are pointing back at you. Blame always boomerangs right back at you. The negative energy of blame just makes you feel awful. 

Marc and Angel have this to say:  "Stop blaming others. – Start accepting responsibility for everything in your life.  Blaming others accomplishes nothing and prolongs the complications you’re facing.  Either you own your problems, or they will own you.  Your choice.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give up your power over that part of your life." Find the rest of their list here.

Want to have less drama? Stop blaming, accept criticism gracefully, and listen... don't just wait to talk. 

The Angry Romantic...

Dave is my friend from high school. We never were all that close but he was a good friend of the guy I dated and I always thought he was nice and really smart. As people do, we sort of reacquainted ourselves again via Facebook. Not a day passes, unless Dave's on strike, that he doesn't say something incredibly descriptive, very colorful, and heartfelt. Despite the fact that Dave categorizes himself as a misanthrope, he doesn't know that I call him my Angry Romantic friend, and he might actually like it... he does, however, know that I have started writing down/saving his comments. They're hilarious, angsty, and seriously Dave. 

Dave defines misanthropy as the natural allergic reaction had by an intelligent, thinking person when confronted by a world of tribalized, reactionary proto-humans.

Dave describes humble pie:  few things in life suck harder than having to ask a favor from someone you'd rather not talk to ever again.

Dave's car broke down and he's taking the bus to and from work

‎Dave's first bus ride:  12 hours later and i'm finally home...feels like i spent half the day on the bus, and the other half herding cats with a blindfold on and one hand tied behind my back while simultaneously trying to explain the higgs-boson to the cast of the jersey shore...lloyd, open a tab and pour me a double of whatever the guy on the floor is having.

Dave is still talking about the bus:  i've changed my mind - as of .0005 seconds ago, i would much rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me...

And continues to talk about the bus:  i've changed my mind again...just shoot me, as i'd hate to waste a perfectly good lobotomy.

Dave finds concert tickets:  just found out TOOL tickets are going for $50+ at the low end. hope that price includes the dirty talk and the bacon lube...

Dave hates his neighborhood and posts this on New Year's Eve.... ah, yes...the 1st gunshot of the night, let the parade of fools begin...

A new beginning....

Saturdays in my house are spent resting and recharging from a stressful week. Since my week is so filled with urgent situations and deadlines, it's important to make some time for really listening, really reading, and thoroughly absorbing the messages that the universe has for us. 


I do make time to read a lot of spiritual writings along with my usual spiritual practice of meditation. This is my first foray into the spiritual writing realm, though. This blog has been planned and carefully considered for months. So while I wait for my graphic designer to work his magic, I will work on my writing and strive to focus my efforts here for a solid foundation. 


My message for others and a theme I try to embody for my own life is:  Embrace change and enjoy life as it unfolds. Often, the hardest part about growing is letting go of what you were used to and moving on with something you’re not. Sometimes you have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting, and have faith that things will work out. Here is where I'd like to have a shared laugh at the confusion, to live consciously in the moment, and above all, enjoy life as it unfolds. We might not end up exactly where we intended to go, but eventually we will arrive precisely where we need to be.

The Omth Degree is about solutions, spirituality of all kinds, and relationships of all kinds... really, all kinds. Maybe it's because I'm a good listener, or because there really is no judgment from me.... I'm that friend everyone calls in a crisis, when there's a problem, or to talk through ideas. Not just my single or married gal friends, but also my gay and lesbian friends, married guy friends, mommy friends, male and female colleagues, and even my mom and her friends. I'm not exactly sure how that happened or what makes them think I've got all the answers, but apparently even when I tell them, "I have no idea," they don't believe me.  Sometimes these things are hilarious, sometimes, well.... sometimes not so much. But always they are approached without judgment, with compassion, humor, and straightforward honesty. 


All are accepted here. I wanted to write and share this because I noticed that while some of the information I've found was useful, there still wasn't something just for a woman like me. Anyone is welcome... I find that I am usually helpful to women who are single, single moms, ladies who are either newly single after a relationship or fresh out on their own after leaving mom's house, but really anyone who has a problem. Let's talk about it!


DISCLAIMER:  It is very important to mention that I am absolutely intolerant of racism, hate speech of any kind, harassment, or any sort of drama. This is my domain and I am the sole mediator and queen of all I survey. I will not engage in arguments or sparring at any time. If you don't like what you read, move on.

Classic mistake number 875...

A very dear friend of mine and I make time for a nice meal out about once a month. We spend time catching up, drink margaritas, laugh at the ridiculous things that happen in our lives, and basically just enjoy some down time and friendship. One night, she picked me up at my house and we drove into old town. She wanted to talk about this man she'd been seeing and it wasn't going as well as she had hoped. As we walked up to our favorite restaurant, she stopped, her eyes widened, "There he is!" She had spotted him having dinner with another woman through the window of our restaurant!


I could understand why she was uncomfortable, shocked or even sad, but I would be damned if anyone, especially some dude, was going to keep us from enjoying our evening. He was not her boyfriend out cheating on her. This was just a guy she'd dated a few times, and while she liked him a lot, it certainly wasn't worth getting all dramatic about. This is a classic mistake that women make all the time... We give away our power and we allow others to influence what we do.


So here's basically how that conversation went: 
Me:  "What's the problem?"
Dierdre (not her real name): "What do you mean? He's sitting right there! And he's with some woman!"
Me: "So?"
Dierdre: "What do you mean, so? I can't go in there!"
Me: "Why not? This is our place! This is our hangout! You're just going to let some guy run us off?!"
Dierdre: "Well, he's in there."
Me: "Look, are we in high school? No. This is a matter of power. Take yours back. Don't allow him to dictate where you can and can't go!"
Dierdre: Sighing, "You're right. Okay."


This is a perfect example of allowing someone to have power over you, over your choices... allowing someone to influence your decisions. And some random guy you've gone out with a few times? Seriously? No. That man hasn't made you a priority in his life. He has no power over you. He is just some guy. Some guy you might like, but really, he's just some guy. Why would we, as independent and smart women, allow someone we barely know, much less have made a priority, to change the course of our lives. 


We walked into the restaurant and were immediately seated in the back, right near the restrooms. Perfect!  Dierdre explained more about the guy and what he had told her he was doing. While listening to her story, it sounded like every other story that my girlfriends told me or that I seemed to experience.


We ordered our meal and were enjoying our margaritas when Dierdre's eyes widened.... Chris (not his real name) had come around the corner and stopped dead, clearly surprised. Dierdre smiled and said hello. Chris walked over to our table and made polite conversation, but clearly he felt very awkward and shocked from the look on his face. Dierdre introduced us and he then excused himself to the restroom with promises to call her.


Frankly, after Chris walked away, the delight on Dierdre's face made me want to give her an award! In that moment, in that beautiful perfect moment, she found her power again. She realized that he wasn't worth her concern and he certainly did not consider her feelings, so why should she change anything she wanted to do or was doing just for him? It was fantastic.


As it turns out, Dierdre is pretty happy with her decision to walk into that restaurant on that fateful night...


As far as giving away our power goes, it isn't a conscious thing. I believe it stems from wanting the approval of another person, especially someone we find attractive or interesting. When we decide they've gotten our approval, we then want theirs so badly that we find ourselves in this predicament. 


Part of seeking someone's approval and something that I think a lot of women struggle with is that this dance, this dating dance really isn't about the man approving of us, it's about the woman's approval and acceptance of the man. When we are dating, we often change our behavior, we act how we think they want us to, we make ourselves available, all in the name of a potential future with this person we barely know. The bottom line is, that the only way we will ever be truly happy is to live a self approved life, loving who we are, and being truly happy no matter what other people do. The only way we will be happy and whole is if we, like Dierdre, take our power back and walk into that restaurant. 


Here's a little more to help you think about that...Marc and Angel wrote some GREAT stuff in their 11 Ways to Become the Person You Love .... specifically this:  Care less about who you are to others.  

Honestly, when you just don't care what someone else thinks, you'll meet a lot of opposition... it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.