Classic mistake number 875...

A very dear friend of mine and I make time for a nice meal out about once a month. We spend time catching up, drink margaritas, laugh at the ridiculous things that happen in our lives, and basically just enjoy some down time and friendship. One night, she picked me up at my house and we drove into old town. She wanted to talk about this man she'd been seeing and it wasn't going as well as she had hoped. As we walked up to our favorite restaurant, she stopped, her eyes widened, "There he is!" She had spotted him having dinner with another woman through the window of our restaurant!


I could understand why she was uncomfortable, shocked or even sad, but I would be damned if anyone, especially some dude, was going to keep us from enjoying our evening. He was not her boyfriend out cheating on her. This was just a guy she'd dated a few times, and while she liked him a lot, it certainly wasn't worth getting all dramatic about. This is a classic mistake that women make all the time... We give away our power and we allow others to influence what we do.


So here's basically how that conversation went: 
Me:  "What's the problem?"
Dierdre (not her real name): "What do you mean? He's sitting right there! And he's with some woman!"
Me: "So?"
Dierdre: "What do you mean, so? I can't go in there!"
Me: "Why not? This is our place! This is our hangout! You're just going to let some guy run us off?!"
Dierdre: "Well, he's in there."
Me: "Look, are we in high school? No. This is a matter of power. Take yours back. Don't allow him to dictate where you can and can't go!"
Dierdre: Sighing, "You're right. Okay."


This is a perfect example of allowing someone to have power over you, over your choices... allowing someone to influence your decisions. And some random guy you've gone out with a few times? Seriously? No. That man hasn't made you a priority in his life. He has no power over you. He is just some guy. Some guy you might like, but really, he's just some guy. Why would we, as independent and smart women, allow someone we barely know, much less have made a priority, to change the course of our lives. 


We walked into the restaurant and were immediately seated in the back, right near the restrooms. Perfect!  Dierdre explained more about the guy and what he had told her he was doing. While listening to her story, it sounded like every other story that my girlfriends told me or that I seemed to experience.


We ordered our meal and were enjoying our margaritas when Dierdre's eyes widened.... Chris (not his real name) had come around the corner and stopped dead, clearly surprised. Dierdre smiled and said hello. Chris walked over to our table and made polite conversation, but clearly he felt very awkward and shocked from the look on his face. Dierdre introduced us and he then excused himself to the restroom with promises to call her.


Frankly, after Chris walked away, the delight on Dierdre's face made me want to give her an award! In that moment, in that beautiful perfect moment, she found her power again. She realized that he wasn't worth her concern and he certainly did not consider her feelings, so why should she change anything she wanted to do or was doing just for him? It was fantastic.


As it turns out, Dierdre is pretty happy with her decision to walk into that restaurant on that fateful night...


As far as giving away our power goes, it isn't a conscious thing. I believe it stems from wanting the approval of another person, especially someone we find attractive or interesting. When we decide they've gotten our approval, we then want theirs so badly that we find ourselves in this predicament. 


Part of seeking someone's approval and something that I think a lot of women struggle with is that this dance, this dating dance really isn't about the man approving of us, it's about the woman's approval and acceptance of the man. When we are dating, we often change our behavior, we act how we think they want us to, we make ourselves available, all in the name of a potential future with this person we barely know. The bottom line is, that the only way we will ever be truly happy is to live a self approved life, loving who we are, and being truly happy no matter what other people do. The only way we will be happy and whole is if we, like Dierdre, take our power back and walk into that restaurant. 


Here's a little more to help you think about that...Marc and Angel wrote some GREAT stuff in their 11 Ways to Become the Person You Love .... specifically this:  Care less about who you are to others.  

Honestly, when you just don't care what someone else thinks, you'll meet a lot of opposition... it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.