Criticism, blame, and the power of accepting responsibility...

When a friend tells you that your behavior was wrong in a particular situation, does it make you take stock? Or are they no longer your friend because they're not on your side?  

In an informal poll (some of my girlfriends) most of us are willing to step back and look at our own behavior. We are willing to take constructive criticism without judgment, and we're still friends with whomever it was that pointed it out. That takes a lot of maturity, self examination, and courage. There are many people I know who are not able to do this, becoming angry and lashing out. 

When I first began this journey, I read a book by Debbie Ford called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers (available here) and the recurring theme seemed to be, "You're human, you screw up, you're not perfect, but getting angry that someone else does this too, is called projecting and it isn't helpful. Grow up, accept your mistakes, and stop blaming and judging others for a life you're unhappy with." See, there... now you don't have to read the book. 

I can tell you that the process of self-acceptance, while a worthy effort, is very difficult. Looking in the mirror and loving yourself even with those personality flaws, is probably the hardest first step there is. It's like standing on the precipice overlooking a gorge or clinging to the ledge on the tall building with a heavy wind current coming at you.... Just try it, look yourself in the eye and say, "I love you" with all the sincerity you can muster. It's pretty hard. 

The thing we all have to accept is that no one cares WHY you screwed up, it's nonsense to explain WHY you made that decision that didn't turn out so well... this is called justifying your behavior. 

You've heard it from all corners, I'm sure. Someone runs into you in the hallway and glares angrily at you, or even tells you that YOU need to move out of the way, that YOU are in the wrong for being in the hallway at that moment and in that space. Sounds crazy, right? But imagine that same idea expanded... it's as irrational as someone blaming the VICTIM in a crime. "Oh if only Sally wasn't wearing that pretty ring, and if only George hadn't been molested as a child, he wouldn't have stolen that from her. Really, it's Sally's fault for wearing that in front of a greedy and dysfunctional man!" 

See how silly and provocative that is? I'm exaggerating to make a point, but I think you understand where I'm going with this. Blame, honestly, is often crazy!  Things happen, but blaming another for an event, for something you do yourself, or for their own criticism of you, is just deflecting and projecting... Blame is just pointing at someone else to deflect any responsibility you may have in the event. 

Try pointing a finger at someone, "YOU did this!" and look at your hand. One finger is pointing at the accused, but three are pointing back at you. Blame always boomerangs right back at you. The negative energy of blame just makes you feel awful. 

Marc and Angel have this to say:  "Stop blaming others. – Start accepting responsibility for everything in your life.  Blaming others accomplishes nothing and prolongs the complications you’re facing.  Either you own your problems, or they will own you.  Your choice.  When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give up your power over that part of your life." Find the rest of their list here.

Want to have less drama? Stop blaming, accept criticism gracefully, and listen... don't just wait to talk.