Love thyself...

One of my greatest challenges is self-acceptance. The hurdle I face every morning is self-approval. The topic of many journal entry is being authentic and my true self. 

I went on a date a few months ago, well maybe not a date... it was more like a "friends meeting for dinner thing" because the pressure of a date was entirely too much for me. After about 10 minutes, my friend actually gave me permission to be myself. Wow. Yeah. I ignored it at the time, but it stuck in my "craw," for lack of a better description. Just because I'm awkward doesn't mean that I'm not myself... it means that I AM myself and AM awkward when first spending time with someone in a social setting that I don't know very well. THAT IS ME. It always has been and I'm not sure I want to change that. If I make you uncomfortable because I'm awkward at first, then you're certainly not for me. 

Honestly, self acceptance is such a difficult hurdle for many women. We all get the constant message that unless we look like the perfect models in magazines or on television, then we are somehow not good enough. We are constantly inundated with media and advertising telling us to change our hair, soften our hands, lose some weight, join a gym, clean our houses, make more money, wear these clothes, get this appliance/gadget/computer program.... I could go on, but I'm sure you, gentle reader, know exactly what I am referring to. 

In the last several years, I've been reading the work of Byron Katie, Wayne Dyer, Christiane Northrup, Marianne Williamson, Dan Millman, the Zohar, and many other spiritual resources. Their primary message is one of love. Self-love, to be more accurate. Of course, we all should love our family, our friends, our neighbors, our colleagues at work, those we worship with or serve when we volunteer... But what about ourselves? Can we love wholly, truly, and completely without honestly loving ourselves? Without knowing how to love yourself, how can you expect anyone to love you? Without loving yourself, will you tolerate someone loving you less or not loving you but trying to control you? Do you need to love yourself to approve of yourself? Are they mutually exclusive? 

These are the questions that have plagued my soul for years. These questions make you vulnerable and honestly, I'm scared as hell to answer them for myself. So, let's do it together? Who's with me? Let's write a love letter to US! Let's write a love letter to ourselves... we deserve it, don't we? Put it on your bathroom mirror and remind yourself every day how worthy you are, how fantastic you really are, how cute your feet are, what a kind and loving person you are, how awesome of a mom you are....

Here's my note for myself... 

In my travels and adventures around the interwebs I often find things that just really defy description because they are so amazing and huge and fabulous. This is one of them:  Love letters. This lovely lovely young woman has started a movement to write love letters to strangers around the world. What an amazing way to change someone's day, someone's life, someone's attitude... and the impact of that could be really huge... HUGE!!! 

I personally am always looking for ways I can show love... I am currently single and do not have children so it's easy to get caught up in my own stuff and just bury myself under my projects at home. So, this looked like an opportunity to me. I already make presents for people I care about.... that's one way I express love... but a small act like a love letter... this is really huge. I encourage everyone to read her message. She's really an incredible person for even wanting to share herself with the world in such a way. But to organize a movement... wow! I am really impressed. 

One of my best friends ever taught me that loving someone is never wrong. That even if it doesn't work out like you hope, even if it ends painfully, or just ends... it's never a waste of your time, attention, or energy. Loving, in fact, no matter what the situation, is always the right answer. 

That's very difficult when you really don't like someone or they've hurt you. 

So let me repeat it:  It is never wrong to love someone. 

Recently, there was a situation with a friend of mine who had a relationship fizzle out. She kept lamenting that she had wasted her time and attentions on someone who didn't deserve her. Honestly, I agree that he didn't deserve her. But it's not like you have less love simply because you gave it to someone who wasn't worthy of your attention. Conversely, the more love you give, the more love you'll get. It may not come from the desired person and it may come from somewhere that you completely weren't ready for, but it will come. 

When someone hurts your feelings, is it because you didn't love them enough? Unlikely. It's probably that you love them a great deal. Otherwise, their behavior or perceived betrayal would not have hurt you. 

It's very hard for me to love someone I don't like. It's very much a struggle to love someone who clearly doesn't love me. But it's the only way to live in gratitude and happiness. It's the only way to grow. When someone does you wrong, love them through it. 

I know! I know! You're thinking to yourself that I am out of my mind and probably a doormat. Well, I might be crazy or a hippie, but loving someone isn't about THAT person. I love because I am who I am, not because someone deserves it. That guy who cut me off in traffic this afternoon... sent some love to him. The jerk next door with the howler monkey children and out of control volume button on the really bad music he likes.... send him a little love. 

Why? Because you reap what you sow. If you're constantly hateful, negative, and angry, then you'll continue to have hateful, negative, and angry... over and over and over. 

Is this about God? Not necessarily. This is about the Law of Attraction: What you think about, put energy toward, is what you will draw to yourself. If you don't know much about it, I recommend "The Secret" ... just watch the movie, it gives you a lot of information in an easily digestible form. If you don't want to do that, you can still just observe what happens if you're an angry asshat all damned day. Or if you meet every situation with kindness and a smile...

Smiles are amazing. They're free, they are contagious, and it's also NEVER wrong to smile at someone. 

Peace, Love, and.... well... more love! 

For the love of Thursday...

It is not revolutions and upheavals that clear the road to better days,
but revelations, and lavishness of someone's soul inspired, and ablaze.
--Boris Pasternak, poet

If you aren't familiar with Boris Pasternak, he was a Russian poet who wrote Doctor Zhivago, arguably one of the most beautiful and poignant love stories ever. I saw this today and was reminded of how that story changed the way I thought about love as a girl. I read it again as a 30-something year old woman and the themes of love and deep devotion still rang true for me. 

A Mom's insight on hard work...

Melissa is a friend of mine. She's a mom of six and that gives her some amazing insight. She sent me a text today that read, "It occurred to me as I was thinking abut kids and how we have to convince them of doing something that is in their own best interest. Somewhere along the line, we got to a point of having to be coerced into doing what is good for us. That leaves us missing seeing that it is beneficial and feeling that it's a punishment or a burden instead. We miss WHY hard work is its own reward."

A cork on the ocean...

• FML?
• I ended up...
• I hate my life!!!
• Shoot me! 
• My life is so awful!
• Why does this always happen to me? 

I am surrounded by people who routinely use these sorts of statements. Sometimes it's a joke, others, I'm not so sure. Here's something to think about, though.We can't control WHAT happens in our life, but we CAN control what we do about it, how we react, the self talk we use and the attitude we have.

It's one thing to rant and get it over with but if your general attitude is that your life sucks, it will never get any better. I say that with all the conviction I have in my soul. Your life will never improve if you continue to say that your life sucks. 


If you have a crappy attitude, and believe that no one is suffering more than you are, why would your life suddenly turn great? Does your life have a mind of its own? Who's the one with the mind here anyway? Are you kidding me that you just ended up that way? You just wound up over there in the ditch like there was some sort of cosmic pool table that you're in the middle of?


It's time for some tough love here.... get over yourself. Stop being a victim. 

I can say that to you because I used to be one of those people. I was addicted to my shitty life. I was addicted to wallowing in the self-pity. I was mired in the sucking mud of victimhood.


Abuse, loss, unrequited love, addiction, illness, false accusations, death of a spouse, children, loved ones... the list could go on. There are people who have suffered through all of the things in this list, plus more. There are people in the world who have endured atrocities that make my soul weep.


Yet, many of the people I know who have suffered more than their share of grief, have the most positive outlook. It makes me feel such shame for EVER believing that my life was so terrible. 


Some say that they have faith or religion and that helped them through their experience. Some say it's just the love they have for their family. Others just have this indomitable glowing spirit and every word they utter is filled with love.


In my own experience, it's about gratitude and mindfulness.


I'm often asked, "How can you be grateful if you feel you have nothing?" Let me be blunt: Everyone has something. You have a mind. You can read. You're reading this, aren't you? You're able to reason, to think, to form an opinion. You must have someone in your life who loves you, right? A mother, father, uncle, sister, neighbor, friend? The garbage man? The clerk at the gas station? The librarian? Someone! 

How can you be grateful if you are struggling? In struggle and adversity, there is light. There is learning and opportunity in every difficult experience. It may not feel that way when you're actually in it, but it's there. Every mistake, every negative experience is simply an opportunity waiting for you to recognize it. 
 Turn your negative crap into positive talk....

Instead of FML, say, "I'm frustrated! But life will work itself all out."

Instead of, "I ended up," use the phrase, "As a result of a youthful indiscretion, I became pregnant or I lost my job..." 

The fact is you didn't END UP anywhere. That implies you are a cork floating on the stormy seas and you're just bobbed around like you have no control over anything. The reality is, whether you like it or not, your situation today is the direct result of choices you made previously. Choice is very powerful. You may have chosen to get in the car with a drunk driver.... and that driver was impaired so he was involved in an accident that cost you your comfort and mobility. You didn't "end up" in this situation. You chose to take a chance and as a direct result of a deliberate choice, you are now in a body cast in the hospital.

Negative talk can make anything in your life seem worse than it truly is.



You can either continue to live your life like a cork on the ocean, bobbed around by the circumstance of existence or you can decide to become a clipper ship, redirect your life, and weather that storm. 


Do you believe that what you put out is what you receive? Would you tolerate hearing this from your children? No? Then why would you ever say this?


And is this really a matter for a spiritual blog? Absolutely... it is my belief that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience. Every person, every human has free will (unless you are severely impaired in some way). We are hard wired with a brain to make decisions and choices. You didn't just fall into your life. You chose it. It might not have been a very informed choice or it may have been imposed upon you when you were young, but when you became an adult you chose to continue in that existence. Choice. Deliberation. Free will. Why would this be separate from spirituality? 

Peace, Love, and Free will.... 

What do you suck at???

This was today's "Burning Question" over at Danielle LaPorte's blog and I thought I'd open up, too. It's tough when you try to be positive and uplifting to be vulnerable and share what you stress about or judge yourself for, but honestly, to learn more about self-acceptance, this is a great exercise. 

I suck at... housework. OH MY GAWD!!! My house is always cluttered, always chaotic. I'm working on this but I judge myself about it a lot. 

I suck at... staying on task. I don't believe I have the formal attention deficit problems that many people really struggle with, so it's not that. It is more that I have so many ideas racing through my head at any one given time that it's tough for me to just stay with one. I do well in small classes because I can keep focused on the teacher or professor and their message, but I don't do well in large lectures or any situation where I'm not required to actually participate or in work settings that aren't flexible with how I actually spend my time. 

I suck at... joining. I get frustrated with formal committees and clubs or organizations that have meetings. I also get frustrated in meetings. They typically are just forums for one or two people to talk about stuff I don't care about. Just make a decision about that and send me an email, thanks. 

I suck at... money management. I admit it, this is a real struggle for me. I've found some tools to help me lately but overall this is a horribly difficult thing for me to do. And I judge myself for it all the time.

I can't believe how hard that was for me to write. I did it, now, and it's out there. So now I can focus on what's right and work on the things I really need to do. 

Peace, Love, and tough questions...