Grateful... even for the crap.

I have written before that even if you are struggling or suffering, you can find something to be grateful for. In struggle and adversity, there is light. There is learning and opportunity in every difficult experience. It may not feel that way when you're actually in it, but it's there. Every mistake, every negative experience is simply an opportunity waiting for you to recognize it.

I generally have it pretty good. I am employed in a job I like (most days) and I work with people I can respect and enjoy. I have a home, a tiny furry companion, friends and family who truly care about me, hobbies I enjoy, and my income affords me the opportunity to be independent. I am educated and can put a few sentences together now and then to express myself.
With all of the abundance I enjoy currently, I have had my share of struggles. Especially lately. I work in a field that is subject to the whims of the economy, of government (elections), and of the workload. When the fiscal year end rolls around, many of us get very nervous. It's frightening to be without employment in today's economy. This time, it's my turn to be out there, looking for work. I haven't shared this information, because it's still very new, but the fact is... Friday is my last day with this company. No other firm has offered me a position, despite the plethora of applications I have submitted (not to mention the obvious fabulous qualifications). 

That reality puts my independent ass in quite a predicament. I realize this is a lesson. I know in my heart this is an opportunity. I am positively positive that this is my chance to learn something amazing. That doesn't mean I am not scared out of my wits!  


Part of my service to the world is to explain self-help strategies and spiritual solutions in a real and practical way. To find an honest and authentic voice for those people who aren't into all the study, the "woo woo" stuff, the mystical prayer and meditation... this is real, raw, and applicable. And today, in this hour, while I am struggling so much to just maintain a positive outlook and upbeat attitude, I feel like I'm failing.

You can't pay your cable bill with positive affirmations. And why the hell is cable so bloody important to me anyway? Truth is, I love NatGeo and ridiculous cop shows that are only on cable. Oh and True Blood. If it wasn't for my TV addiction, it wouldn't be hard to cut that out completely but I admit it, I'm shamelessly addicted to HGTV and the Science channel. Edutainment. I will very likely be reevaluating this priority in the near future, but I thought I would share that.

While I desperately need to let go of my need to control the outcome, it does not diminish the struggle to remain calm in the face of what I consider to be a serious problem. And I should mention that this is a very private problem. I don't like discussing my personal business, but to write effectively and share of oneself, you simply MUST share your life. I feel it's a practical exploration for all. It's very uncomfortable for me to share this, but without exploring even my failures, then what's the point? 

In this moment, in this state of uncertainty and fear, I am grateful that I have this opportunity to learn a new lesson, even if it sucks.

Easy come...

In Kabbalah, we learn that anything worth having must be earned. If you are given something or a reward comes easy, you don't truly value it. 

Yehuda Berg wrote in his blog, " One of the greatest tricks the Opponent plays on us is tricking us into thinking we want everything for free. On the contrary, lasting satisfaction doesn’t come from the result. It comes from overcoming a challenge and earning an accomplishment.

"No one wants a gold medal if they didn’t compete and win against the best.

"Nothing of value comes to us on a silver platter. When we overcome and change, we earn, and with that we experience the Heavenly energy of the Light!"

The last several weeks have been a sincere struggle and an uphill climb. I've been working to keep it slow and steady, to put one foot in front of the other, to breathe in and out, to trust in myself, to trust in the Light, and to trust the process.... It's taken all of my energy, including the energy I've usually got to write in my journal or to blog.  Every time I think, "I'll write about that" then someone else needs my support or I'm faced with yet another steep incline in my journey. 

That's not the right answer, though. It's up to us to not only support our loved ones, but also ourselves, and often the best way to support is to serve. When you think you have nothing left, not even for yourself, the well fills quicker if you serve someone else. 

So, I'm hitting "publish" before I can second-guess myself! 

Namaste....

Love thyself...

One of my greatest challenges is self-acceptance. The hurdle I face every morning is self-approval. The topic of many journal entry is being authentic and my true self. 

I went on a date a few months ago, well maybe not a date... it was more like a "friends meeting for dinner thing" because the pressure of a date was entirely too much for me. After about 10 minutes, my friend actually gave me permission to be myself. Wow. Yeah. I ignored it at the time, but it stuck in my "craw," for lack of a better description. Just because I'm awkward doesn't mean that I'm not myself... it means that I AM myself and AM awkward when first spending time with someone in a social setting that I don't know very well. THAT IS ME. It always has been and I'm not sure I want to change that. If I make you uncomfortable because I'm awkward at first, then you're certainly not for me. 

Honestly, self acceptance is such a difficult hurdle for many women. We all get the constant message that unless we look like the perfect models in magazines or on television, then we are somehow not good enough. We are constantly inundated with media and advertising telling us to change our hair, soften our hands, lose some weight, join a gym, clean our houses, make more money, wear these clothes, get this appliance/gadget/computer program.... I could go on, but I'm sure you, gentle reader, know exactly what I am referring to. 

In the last several years, I've been reading the work of Byron Katie, Wayne Dyer, Christiane Northrup, Marianne Williamson, Dan Millman, the Zohar, and many other spiritual resources. Their primary message is one of love. Self-love, to be more accurate. Of course, we all should love our family, our friends, our neighbors, our colleagues at work, those we worship with or serve when we volunteer... But what about ourselves? Can we love wholly, truly, and completely without honestly loving ourselves? Without knowing how to love yourself, how can you expect anyone to love you? Without loving yourself, will you tolerate someone loving you less or not loving you but trying to control you? Do you need to love yourself to approve of yourself? Are they mutually exclusive? 

These are the questions that have plagued my soul for years. These questions make you vulnerable and honestly, I'm scared as hell to answer them for myself. So, let's do it together? Who's with me? Let's write a love letter to US! Let's write a love letter to ourselves... we deserve it, don't we? Put it on your bathroom mirror and remind yourself every day how worthy you are, how fantastic you really are, how cute your feet are, what a kind and loving person you are, how awesome of a mom you are....

Here's my note for myself... 

In my travels and adventures around the interwebs I often find things that just really defy description because they are so amazing and huge and fabulous. This is one of them:  Love letters. This lovely lovely young woman has started a movement to write love letters to strangers around the world. What an amazing way to change someone's day, someone's life, someone's attitude... and the impact of that could be really huge... HUGE!!! 

I personally am always looking for ways I can show love... I am currently single and do not have children so it's easy to get caught up in my own stuff and just bury myself under my projects at home. So, this looked like an opportunity to me. I already make presents for people I care about.... that's one way I express love... but a small act like a love letter... this is really huge. I encourage everyone to read her message. She's really an incredible person for even wanting to share herself with the world in such a way. But to organize a movement... wow! I am really impressed. 

One of my best friends ever taught me that loving someone is never wrong. That even if it doesn't work out like you hope, even if it ends painfully, or just ends... it's never a waste of your time, attention, or energy. Loving, in fact, no matter what the situation, is always the right answer. 

That's very difficult when you really don't like someone or they've hurt you. 

So let me repeat it:  It is never wrong to love someone. 

Recently, there was a situation with a friend of mine who had a relationship fizzle out. She kept lamenting that she had wasted her time and attentions on someone who didn't deserve her. Honestly, I agree that he didn't deserve her. But it's not like you have less love simply because you gave it to someone who wasn't worthy of your attention. Conversely, the more love you give, the more love you'll get. It may not come from the desired person and it may come from somewhere that you completely weren't ready for, but it will come. 

When someone hurts your feelings, is it because you didn't love them enough? Unlikely. It's probably that you love them a great deal. Otherwise, their behavior or perceived betrayal would not have hurt you. 

It's very hard for me to love someone I don't like. It's very much a struggle to love someone who clearly doesn't love me. But it's the only way to live in gratitude and happiness. It's the only way to grow. When someone does you wrong, love them through it. 

I know! I know! You're thinking to yourself that I am out of my mind and probably a doormat. Well, I might be crazy or a hippie, but loving someone isn't about THAT person. I love because I am who I am, not because someone deserves it. That guy who cut me off in traffic this afternoon... sent some love to him. The jerk next door with the howler monkey children and out of control volume button on the really bad music he likes.... send him a little love. 

Why? Because you reap what you sow. If you're constantly hateful, negative, and angry, then you'll continue to have hateful, negative, and angry... over and over and over. 

Is this about God? Not necessarily. This is about the Law of Attraction: What you think about, put energy toward, is what you will draw to yourself. If you don't know much about it, I recommend "The Secret" ... just watch the movie, it gives you a lot of information in an easily digestible form. If you don't want to do that, you can still just observe what happens if you're an angry asshat all damned day. Or if you meet every situation with kindness and a smile...

Smiles are amazing. They're free, they are contagious, and it's also NEVER wrong to smile at someone. 

Peace, Love, and.... well... more love! 

For the love of Thursday...

It is not revolutions and upheavals that clear the road to better days,
but revelations, and lavishness of someone's soul inspired, and ablaze.
--Boris Pasternak, poet

If you aren't familiar with Boris Pasternak, he was a Russian poet who wrote Doctor Zhivago, arguably one of the most beautiful and poignant love stories ever. I saw this today and was reminded of how that story changed the way I thought about love as a girl. I read it again as a 30-something year old woman and the themes of love and deep devotion still rang true for me. 

A Mom's insight on hard work...

Melissa is a friend of mine. She's a mom of six and that gives her some amazing insight. She sent me a text today that read, "It occurred to me as I was thinking abut kids and how we have to convince them of doing something that is in their own best interest. Somewhere along the line, we got to a point of having to be coerced into doing what is good for us. That leaves us missing seeing that it is beneficial and feeling that it's a punishment or a burden instead. We miss WHY hard work is its own reward."