It's not about him...

Recently I had a conversation with my mother. We were discussing my impending move and she asked me what was in a stack of boxes I have in my shed. They are filled with my ex-boyfriend's crap:  photos, memorabilia from his military service, gifts from his family.... she suggested I set them on fire and be done with it. I've had them for years and it's not that I can't let go, it's simply that I haven't had time to mail them to him. 

I had planned on trucking all that stuff back to Tennessee someday, but that's probably the last thing I want to do with any time off I have. So it sits. 

Why don't I set it ablaze and dance around it naked or painted in woad like a pagan hippie goddess?? I have considered it. I've even giggled with evil glee as I contemplated the color of those flames and the looks on my neighbors' faces as they observe my backyard shenanigans.

Well, despite the obvious joyful revelry that would bring.... it's not about him. It's about me. I will not be the person to destroy treasured mementos, no matter how much I dislike him. I loved him once. I love that man I thought he was, still. He doesn't deserve my kindness, but I give it anyway. 

Why?  The alternative is that I would be transformed into everything I detest:  hateful, spiteful, mean, nasty. And honestly, there's no cause. What we had died a tragic horrible ugly death, yes, but it was years ago. I've moved on, so has he. Even if I dislike it, even if he rubbed it in my face (he has not done so) it's not acceptable to me, to my character, in my own self image...  I cannot look myself in the eye knowing that I had tossed out precious photos of his daughter. 

And no, I don't want them--I am NOT hanging on in some sort of pastlife induced stupor--I truly don't want them around. They're occupying space in my home as well as the headspace they don't deserve. He won't be grateful, or if he will be, I don't care. 

It's not about anyone else in the equation but me. 

I write all the time about loving people in your life who don't deserve it. I support loving random people who act unloving. As hard as that is. It's truly the only way to live my life... the life *I* choose for myself, that is. 

I honor the woman that I am, the relationship that I want with myself, nothing else, by acting in a loving manner in a difficult situation. The goal in my life is to have as much love as I wish for.... I would be acting counter to that goal by choosing to celebrate the destruction of someone else's treasures. 

I might still paint myself with woad and light something on fire. Come on over and join me! ;)