The control freak's guide to letting go...

Last fall when I lost my job one of my dearest friends told me I should look at it as a gift. I tried to listen to her, and her wisdom made sense, but I had a pretty difficult time looking at it as a gift. It felt like it was anything but a gift and there I was standing on the edge of a cliff... a tall one... and not like a cliff diving cliff with a warm blue ocean waiting to envelop you in its blue greeny oceany goodness. More like a scary cliff with an enormous drop into an abyss or some rocks or something... maybe on a moor somewhere where the Hound of the Baskervilles was chasing me. I know, I know. Too much Sherlock. The point is that it was very frightening. 

I  tried to cope with my cliff by using my spiritual tools to give me some structure. Every day I woke up, took my walk, meditated, said my affirmations just like Stuart Smalley (You are good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it some employer will really like you!) Yes, that's really what I did. 

Some days it helped. Other days, not so much. But I got up every morning, made some coffee, took my walk, meditated, and said my affirmations. 

Eventually, I found a job that would help me pay some bills and give me some peace to figure out what the next step was. At this point, I can honestly say that I enjoy parts of my job. I also really like my employer. I even like my boss. But it's still not what I want to be doing. 

Well, what the hell is the problem, you ask? Why isn't that just good enough? I mean, hell, people in the world don't like anything about their job and they do it and just deal with that. Well... Frankly, I don't know the answer. It's partly because it's not my chosen field. Partly it's because the salary wasn't what I hoped for. Another part is that I'm just tired of being someone else's secretary. 

I find myself in this role often now--this role of service. I'm trying to understand what the lesson of that is. I'm trying to understand why I continuously need to learn THIS lesson. I'm trying to figure out where this is going from here. Every day just brings more and more questions. Often, it brings more and more frustration. 

My mentor is patient with me and listens, she offers a few parables and things to think on. But ultimately, this is my lesson to learn and my journey to travel. And these are my questions to answer. She has her own. 

The hardest part in any situation for any control freak is to let go. The hardest part for any spiritual person is to find solace, to keep the faith, to reassure yourself that this path, no matter how rocky, this is the right one. Following your heart isn't wrong. Following your heart and listening to your head guide you is probably a little smarter, but it's not more right than solely listening to your heart. 

The fact that the path is dark and I cannot see anything up ahead is really what's killing me. I never considered myself a real control freak until now. I realize that my need to control isn't necessarily about controlling others, it's not about controlling my space, it's not about controlling everything... it's only about controlling the outcome. 

I've always believed I was not only spiritual but also intuitive. I can usually just sort of figure out the outcome of any situation and predict where it will go. But not this time. This time, the way is unclear, muddy, and clouded. It's time to go back to the basics here and decide what I want, what I truly want with all my heart, where I want to be, what I want to do, and then map out how to get there but instead of making the "beyond here be dragons" marks on my map, I'm going to draw in some blue greeny oceany goodness and make some plans... The first step is to stop thinking too much.... I don't need to know all the answers. I just need to be able to trust myself that I can handle whatever is below the surface of the ocean as I plunge below the surface to find what awaits me.

New year, new book...

I have a tradition that every year on New Year's Eve I spend some time writing down the events of the year, good, bad, lessons learned, and goals accomplished. Then New Year's Day I write down the things I'm looking forward to. Not necessarily goals, as those could be too much like resolutions. Resolutions set one up for failure in my opinion. We all think that there's some magical formula that if we promise ourselves to drop  dress sizes by May that somehow we can make that work starting on the 1st. 

While I agree that it feels like we've opened a new book, I don't think it's realistic to expect drastic shifts every year. I've done that for the last few decades and no matter how determined I am, life has a way of reigning me in. Change is difficult whether it's my choice to change or the change is thrust upon me. 

  

This year my goals are much like those of previous years:  

• healthy living 
• get out of the house more 
• open myself to new friends and relationships 
• write more and finally finish that book proposal

Already, I have been experiencing discomfort, especially on the "relationships" portion of this list. Trusting and investing my emotions in other people is very hard for me. I tell others all the time that without pain there is no beauty, without suffering there is no joy, and without putting yourself out there in the world, you will not find love. My friend's words of, "Take your own damned advice," are bouncing around in my head, and I am positive this is a universal and absolute truth, but this does not make it easier, nor does it diminish any discomfort, assuage any pain or guilty feelings associated with this, and it doesn't even make it easier to figure out HOW to make this happen. 

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
- Khalil Gibran

I just know that I have to do it. I have no excuse. Well, I could come up with a few but really, they'd be lies, obfuscation, and misdirection.

 

Today's thoughtful quote

By way of Mastin Kipp and the Daily Love:  

"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same."

  - Carlos Castaneda 

So what if you're right?

Often it doesn't matter if we are right, wrong, left... it just doesn't matter. I know many people who are "right fighters" and they will duke it out with you no matter what the issue. It's as if they feel threatened by the fact that you think differently than they do. The only time it ever matters on being right is... well when you have to pass your driver's test or maybe during finals week. But even then, does it really matter that much? 

I suppose one could argue that if you're a doctor and you make a mistake, then someone could die or be permanently injured. True, but that's not what I mean. I am writing about if someone has a different opinion or a different way of thinking than I do. I welcome constructive criticism, but if you just want to argue with me about which view of God is right, which religion is right, or which heaven I will go to... well enjoy yourself, because I have already checked out. Even if it's not about religion, if you feel the need to be right about every bloody thing, well you're going to be alone and right. 

It often doesn't matter when you're right. My friend has a terribly painful situation where her exhusband is not really participating in the parenting of their only daughter. He fights her constantly and lies about all sorts of situations. My friend was at her wit's end. It breaks her heart, not that he is lying but that his lies will eventually impact their daughter. I tell her repeatedly, being right is moot. He will not change because he doesn't believe he is wrong. He is convinced that his choices are fine, that nothing he is doing will influence their daughter, and, even more importantly, that in no uncertain terms he should never be questioned. In this situation, you can do nothing but cope. You can try to reason, cajole, convince, but really, that guy is never going to see reason unless it's his idea. 

You have a couple of choices here. 1. Fight, argue, reason. 2. Get pissed off. 3. Recognize it for what it is, move on. The only outcome of number 1 is inevitably number 2. If you choose number 3, then you can move on quickly, get back to living in the moment and being you. But expending energy on the first two options, well, how's that working for you? I'd rather be happy. 

Let go of something you feel righteous about and see if you don't feel some relief.

My own advice...

A friend of mine told me that after reading my blog, he thought I should take my own advice. Sometimes we can't see that our own wisdom can solve our problems, we seek and scratch our heads, trying to complicate our situation... and forgetting that we already know the answer. We already have the solution sitting right in front of us. Either we choose to overlook it because it just seems ... well, too easy maybe or maybe it's too hard, or maybe it makes you too vulnerable. Or maybe it's because we just don't trust our own intuition.

The last few weeks have been an exercise in following my feelings instead of listening to the almighty brain. Your heart knows, your spirit is wise, too, don't discount what they're telling you.

Grateful... even for the crap.

I have written before that even if you are struggling or suffering, you can find something to be grateful for. In struggle and adversity, there is light. There is learning and opportunity in every difficult experience. It may not feel that way when you're actually in it, but it's there. Every mistake, every negative experience is simply an opportunity waiting for you to recognize it.

I generally have it pretty good. I am employed in a job I like (most days) and I work with people I can respect and enjoy. I have a home, a tiny furry companion, friends and family who truly care about me, hobbies I enjoy, and my income affords me the opportunity to be independent. I am educated and can put a few sentences together now and then to express myself.
With all of the abundance I enjoy currently, I have had my share of struggles. Especially lately. I work in a field that is subject to the whims of the economy, of government (elections), and of the workload. When the fiscal year end rolls around, many of us get very nervous. It's frightening to be without employment in today's economy. This time, it's my turn to be out there, looking for work. I haven't shared this information, because it's still very new, but the fact is... Friday is my last day with this company. No other firm has offered me a position, despite the plethora of applications I have submitted (not to mention the obvious fabulous qualifications). 

That reality puts my independent ass in quite a predicament. I realize this is a lesson. I know in my heart this is an opportunity. I am positively positive that this is my chance to learn something amazing. That doesn't mean I am not scared out of my wits!  


Part of my service to the world is to explain self-help strategies and spiritual solutions in a real and practical way. To find an honest and authentic voice for those people who aren't into all the study, the "woo woo" stuff, the mystical prayer and meditation... this is real, raw, and applicable. And today, in this hour, while I am struggling so much to just maintain a positive outlook and upbeat attitude, I feel like I'm failing.

You can't pay your cable bill with positive affirmations. And why the hell is cable so bloody important to me anyway? Truth is, I love NatGeo and ridiculous cop shows that are only on cable. Oh and True Blood. If it wasn't for my TV addiction, it wouldn't be hard to cut that out completely but I admit it, I'm shamelessly addicted to HGTV and the Science channel. Edutainment. I will very likely be reevaluating this priority in the near future, but I thought I would share that.

While I desperately need to let go of my need to control the outcome, it does not diminish the struggle to remain calm in the face of what I consider to be a serious problem. And I should mention that this is a very private problem. I don't like discussing my personal business, but to write effectively and share of oneself, you simply MUST share your life. I feel it's a practical exploration for all. It's very uncomfortable for me to share this, but without exploring even my failures, then what's the point? 

In this moment, in this state of uncertainty and fear, I am grateful that I have this opportunity to learn a new lesson, even if it sucks.

Easy come...

In Kabbalah, we learn that anything worth having must be earned. If you are given something or a reward comes easy, you don't truly value it. 

Yehuda Berg wrote in his blog, " One of the greatest tricks the Opponent plays on us is tricking us into thinking we want everything for free. On the contrary, lasting satisfaction doesn’t come from the result. It comes from overcoming a challenge and earning an accomplishment.

"No one wants a gold medal if they didn’t compete and win against the best.

"Nothing of value comes to us on a silver platter. When we overcome and change, we earn, and with that we experience the Heavenly energy of the Light!"

The last several weeks have been a sincere struggle and an uphill climb. I've been working to keep it slow and steady, to put one foot in front of the other, to breathe in and out, to trust in myself, to trust in the Light, and to trust the process.... It's taken all of my energy, including the energy I've usually got to write in my journal or to blog.  Every time I think, "I'll write about that" then someone else needs my support or I'm faced with yet another steep incline in my journey. 

That's not the right answer, though. It's up to us to not only support our loved ones, but also ourselves, and often the best way to support is to serve. When you think you have nothing left, not even for yourself, the well fills quicker if you serve someone else. 

So, I'm hitting "publish" before I can second-guess myself! 

Namaste....