I have written before that even if you are struggling or suffering, you can find something to be grateful for. In struggle and adversity, there is
light. There is learning and opportunity in every difficult experience.
It may not feel that way when you're actually in it, but it's there.
Every mistake, every negative experience is simply an opportunity
waiting for you to recognize it.
I generally have it pretty good. I am employed in a job I like (most days) and I work with people I can respect and enjoy. I have a home, a tiny furry companion, friends and family who truly care about me, hobbies I enjoy, and my income affords me the opportunity to be independent. I am educated and can put a few sentences together now and then to express myself.
With all of the abundance I enjoy currently, I have had my share of struggles. Especially lately. I work in a field that is subject to the whims of the economy, of government (elections), and of the workload. When the fiscal year end rolls around, many of us get very nervous. It's frightening to be without employment in today's economy. This time, it's my turn to be out there, looking for work. I haven't shared this information, because it's still very new, but the fact is... Friday is my last day with this company. No other firm has offered me a position, despite the plethora of applications I have submitted (not to mention the obvious fabulous qualifications).
That reality puts my independent ass in quite a predicament. I realize this is a lesson. I know in my heart this is an opportunity. I am positively positive that this is my chance to learn something amazing. That doesn't mean I am not scared out of my wits!
Part of my service to the world is to explain self-help strategies and spiritual solutions in a real and practical way. To find an honest and authentic voice for those people who aren't into all the study, the "woo woo" stuff, the mystical prayer and meditation... this is real, raw, and applicable. And today, in this hour, while I am struggling so much to just maintain a positive outlook and upbeat attitude, I feel like I'm failing.
You can't pay your cable bill with positive affirmations. And why the hell is cable so bloody important to me anyway? Truth is, I love NatGeo and ridiculous cop shows that are only on cable. Oh and True Blood. If it wasn't for my TV addiction, it wouldn't be hard to cut that out completely but I admit it, I'm shamelessly addicted to HGTV and the Science channel. Edutainment. I will very likely be reevaluating this priority in the near future, but I thought I would share that.
While I desperately need to let go of my need to control the outcome, it does not diminish the struggle to remain calm in the face of what I consider to be a serious problem. And I should mention that this is a very private problem. I don't like discussing my personal business, but to write effectively and share of oneself, you simply MUST share your life. I feel it's a practical exploration for all. It's very uncomfortable for me to share this, but without exploring even my failures, then what's the point?
In this moment, in this state of uncertainty and fear, I am grateful that I have this opportunity to learn a new lesson, even if it sucks.
In Kabbalah, we learn that anything worth having must be earned. If you are given something or a reward comes easy, you don't truly value it.
Yehuda Berg wrote in his blog, " One of the greatest
tricks the Opponent plays on us is tricking us into thinking we want
everything for free. On the contrary, lasting satisfaction doesn’t come
from the result. It comes from overcoming a challenge and earning an
accomplishment.
"No one wants a gold medal if they didn’t compete and win against the
best.
"Nothing of value comes to us on a silver platter. When we overcome and
change, we earn, and with that we experience the Heavenly energy of the
Light!"
The last several weeks have been a sincere struggle and an uphill climb. I've been working to keep it slow and steady, to put one foot in front of the other, to breathe in and out, to trust in myself, to trust in the Light, and to trust the process.... It's taken all of my energy, including the energy I've usually got to write in my journal or to blog. Every time I think, "I'll write about that" then someone else needs my support or I'm faced with yet another steep incline in my journey.
That's not the right answer, though. It's up to us to not only support our loved ones, but also ourselves, and often the best way to support is to serve. When you think you have nothing left, not even for yourself, the well fills quicker if you serve someone else.
So, I'm hitting "publish" before I can second-guess myself!
Namaste....
